Oh fake Rokali, where have you been all my life?

This is inspired parody.

The Birth of an Idea

I sat in an orange chair facing an open window. Or maybe it was a green chair. Anyway, I was sitting in this chair. It was nighttime and the lights were off. Which made it hard to tell what color the chair was.

But I sat in that chair, in front of that open window, and I could smell madeleines baking. Which was odd, because I was in Brooklyn.

You can follow the wisdom of FakeRokali, on Twitter. For additional yuks, follow FakeLisaJune.

What we're watching

Coming this Summer to ANCBSC, Etsy Legal, the story of one man, one fish, swimming for a dream of world domination. Making it all possible is his cracked up team of legal advisors – Etsy Legal.

You’ll follow them on their journey as they fight for the writ of habeas fuck yous, dealing out their brand of justice and leaving a path of committed sellers with nowhere to turn.

They’re rich, they’re uneducated, they’re hipsters.

With special appearances by Martha Stewart! Hello Kitty! and many many more.

Check your local programming for time and channel, or else.

Quotables: Random Absurdity

Look at the shiny new feature

Oh yes I lurve the mandala - much better then anything like categories, an effective search, statistics or anything to help buyers find what they want and sellers to do better.

Disillusionment

Oh heck. It's getting really hard to be an etsy cheerleader these days.

:(

Weekend follies

Exhibit number 22,500 in the case for ADMIN to have weekend staffing!

Words to cherish

This is etc - until you've gone too far you haven't gone far enough. Isn't that the motto?

Sample forum topic

Title: HELP

OP: I need advice. I did ________. What do you think?
1st ten responses: You go girl
11th: (politely) I think you were wrong because __________

OP - WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING ME?!!! I just want some support!! You troll!!

DNBF List

I wont buy from you if you don't convo me
I wont buy from you if you use packing peanuts
I wont buy from you if you send me a sample
I wont buy from you if you don't send a sample
I wont buy from you if you use recycled packaging
I wont buy from you if you don't use recycled packaging
I wont buy from you if you have a typo
I wont buy from you if you if you're not a Christian
I wont buy from you if you don't ship same day
I wont buy from you if you use palm oil/coconut oil/whatever oil


Over the past 1 year, 3 months, I've learned to give a good eye roll at these types of threads. I do what I believe is best for my "one person show" shop.

If you were quoted, congratulations and thanks! You can find your
celebratory "I've been Quoted" (and other EB avatars) by clicking here.

Back To Stripping...err School

Now, I know kids are dressing sexier these days, but the Etsy back to school showcase has been offering a little bit more than one would expect. Thanks to morrigan_etsy for uploading a screenshot to our flickr pool.

Quotables: Look at the shiny new feature!

Irony at it's finest.

cool--this will really help me out when i need to update my shop when I go on vacation next month! oh wait...

cool--this will really help me when I'm trying to search my sold listings for something! oh wait...

cool--this will really help me know how well my advertising is paying off by giving me stats! oh wait...



srsly, was "expiration dates" really all that confusing???

If you were quoted, congratulations and thanks! You can find your
celebratory "I've been Quoted" (and other EB avatars) by clicking here.

How far is the stick jammed up there anyway?

We got more than one email about the locking of this thread, and we're as disgusted as the people who wrote to us. Every single person who posted in this thread did so because they enjoyed the OP's post. There was no fighting, calling out, abuse, trolling, or harassment, just eighteen pages of people having a good chuckle. And then down came the Etsy Hammer of No Fun Allowed.

marymary says:

While we can all appreciate some comic relief, we do ask that other members of the Community not be called out or mocked in the process (even if it is only meant in jest).

Calling out? Mocking? The only mockery going on was self-mockery by people able to reflect upon their own selves, identify with the OP, and find the humour in it. What happened, Etsy? Did you break your sense of humour when your crappy hammocks collapsed underneath you? Did someone piss on your cupcakes that day? It's pretty unfuckingbelievable that admin has the time to read through threads like these and lock them with some ridiculous excuse when there's actual abuse, harassment and trolling going utterly ignored in other threads. Maybe their priorities were also damaged in the Great Hammock Disaster of '08. Whatever the reason, Etsy, get with the fucking program and do something useful instead of making it your mission to crush any enjoyable aspect of the forums.

Quotables: ETC philosophy

Klingons anyone?

Revenge is a dish served best in etcetera.

If you were quoted, congratulations and thanks! You can find your
celebratory "I've been Quoted" (and other EB avatars) by clicking here.

From the Bitches Auxiliary: The Sexiness of Bonnie and Clyde

TEN THINGS SEXIER THAN DRIVING CROSS COUNTRY WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND ON A MURDER SPREE AND DYING IN A HAIL OF BULLETS

1. Strawberries dipped in chocolate

2. Boy shorts

3. Driving to Ikea with your boyfriend

4. Assembling the HURJIT dining set

5. Barry White's "Let's Get it On"

6. Ping Pong balls

7. A moonlit stroll along the beach

8. That weird no-man's land where Burton Way, San Vicente and La Cienega Boulevard all come together

9. Christian Bale in The Dark Night

10. Christian Bale in The Machinist

From the Bitches Auxiliary: Black-Market Cupcakes

Pssst.......Hey You!
"Me?"
:quietly: Yeah, you! Want a cupcake?
"Sure! Thanks! You are the best ever! It has a LOT of frosting and hardly any cake, but mmmmmmmm delicious! I'm so happy you are doing this! You-Ra-Rah!" :nomnomnom:

Psst........Hey You!
"Me?"
:quietly: Yeah, you! Want a cupcake?
" Who made it? Are the ingredients organic? Does it come from a licensed kitchen? What flavors are available? It would be nice if I could choose my own frosting. How many other cupcake eaters chose the same kind as I? Is this the same cupcake everyone else is getting? You took a poll awhile ago, is this reflecting the results of what people want, or is this your own cupcake idea? I may be allergic to some of your new flavors, can you tell me the exact ingredients?"

Psst........Hey You!
"Me?"
:quietly: Yeah, you! Want a cupcake?
"I buy other people's cupcakes but I still have in interest in cupcakes. I think certain cupcake eaters have an agenda, it's the same 9 cupcake eaters always asking questions. Who cares who made it? It's none of your business, you should shut up and take the cupcake and just eat it. If it makes you sick or you have an allergic reaction, then you'll know and you can go get your cupcakes somewhere else!"

From the Bitches Auxiliary: Etsy Sing-a-Long!

Etsy Cheer
Written by LElleV

Oh Etsy, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Etsy.
Hey Etsy.
Oh Etsy, you're so right, you're so right I bow in line. Hey Etsy,
Hey Etsy.
Oh Etsy, you incite, you incite I lose my mind. Hey Etsy, Hey Etsy.
Oh Etsy, you ignite, you ignite I blow my mind. Hey Etsy.

Hey Etsy!

I've been browsin' 'round all night, and that's a little long.
We think that you are the light, but I think we've got it wrong.
Why can't we say goodnight, so I can get some sleep, Etsy?
'Cause when we promo to sell, it always seems it won't.
You're listing gives me bills, buy supplies, baby don't.
Many nights you still - feed insomnia, Etsy.
Oh Etsy, what a pity, they don't understand.
You hold me by my dreams, when I sell things by my hand.
Oh Etsy, all so pretty, can't they understand.
No site's like you, Etsy!
What you should do Etsy, do Etsy!
Don't crush my dreams, Etsy!

Hey Etsy!

Now you've been down all night, and that's a little long.
We check you 'til the light, I think our sanity is gone.
Why can't we get offline, so I can get to work, Etsy?
So come on and fix your issues, work harder on the tech.
Fix your server back up, we'll sacrifice fluff excess.
Oh please, Etsy, please, we'll accept the rest, Etsy.

Oh Etsy, what a pity, you don't understand.
You hold me by my dreams, when I sell things by my hand.
Oh Etsy, you're so pretty, you don't understand.
Your site's way too flashy!
What you should do Etsy, do Etsy!
Don't break modem speed, Etsy!
Oh Etsy, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow modems. Hey Etsy.
Hey Etsy.
Still Etsians think you're the light, you're so tight, they bow in
line. Hey Etsy, Hey Etsy.
Oh Etsy, you incite, you incite I lose my mind. Hey Etsy, Hey Etsy.
Oh Etsy, you ignite, you ignite I blow my mind. Hey Etsy.
Oh Etsy, what a pity, they don't understand.
You hold me by my dreams, when I sell things by my hand.
Oh Etsy, all so pretty, can't they understand.
No site's like you, Etsy!
What you should do Etsy, do Etsy!
Don't crush my dreams, Etsy!

Quotables: Children's Edition

Dress Code

Children shouldn't be made to think it's okay to wear panty hose with polyester gym shorts and slouch socks.

Presentable

make sure they're clothed and booger free. it helps.

Dimensions

mine's away at camp, but if he was here, I'd hold him down for a measurement for you

If you were quoted, congratulations and thanks! You can find your
celebratory "I've been Quoted" (and other EB avatars) by clicking here.

Quotables: Down Under Edition

Checklist

My knowledge of Australia:
1. it's dusty
2. you have a weird looking white building
3. vegemite sandwiches...which sound weird but the vegetarian in me thinks it sounds cool, lol
4. you like kahki
5. coral reefs
6. your daytime/nighttime and seasons are messed up ;)
7. I'll never go there because the flight sounds hellish :)

...and Pie's response:

1. Only if we don't clean
2. We have many weird looking buildings. Our architects, like all Australians, drink heavily.
3. It's a rich, salty, yeasty source of vitamin B. I love it. Also good as pretend poo smears on April Fool's Day.
4. Only if you're in the army or wrestle crocodiles
5. Yeah, we have a nice reef...we also do good coffee
6. Christmas in Summer is the best. Who wouldn't want to be singing about walking in a winter wonderland while they wipe sweat from their brow?
7. If you drink enough on the flight and pass out after the movie, the 20+ hours just flies by!

If you were quoted, congratulations and thanks! You can find your
celebratory "I've been Quoted" (and other EB avatars) by clicking here.

Eclipse on a Roll

The whole thread is freakin' hilarious.

Psychic Line

Let's all predict the locking post that is sure to come. (since a shop was called out with a direct link)
Whoever comes closest wins...uh...something awesome.

My guess:

Please do not call out Etsy sellers on the forum. Please do not post links to adult websites. If you see any items you think don't belong on Etsy, please report it using the "flag this item" link or email flagged [!at] etsy.com.

Please treat other users with respect and understand that behind every avatar is a real person. (or sometimes a whole factory full of real people)

Please see the Do's and Dont's regarding mature items. Tasteful nudes of hot chicks are allowed on Etsy. Please understand that behind every Etsy user is a behind. We just don't want to see all of them them.

Mis-Tagged

I once saw a painting tagged as "erotic nude".
It was of a fat naked guy with a small endowment and I felt misled because it was not in the LEAST bit erotic. Artistic and well painted, yes, but erotic? NO.
Please do not mistag your nudies.

Rules

non-erotic nudes are permitted on Etsy but they should not use the tag erotic. If a nude does not pass the boner test it is not erotic.

Quotable Quotes: From EB Comments

"Etsy: Your place for touchy feely goodness with no business stuff to make you feel bad!"

Quotable Quotes: From EB comments

"I bought the Etsy seller experience and all I got was this stupid bill for relisting!"

Quotable Quotes: Cost of Living

"The completely random, unprovoked stabbings wouldn't be so bad if they would just drive down rent prices."

Quotable Quotes: Irony

Sweet Irony:

"Our process is democratic, and we're going to revise our rules based on everyone's feedback. Indeed the seed for the Constitution itself was planted by people's requests here in the forums."

Quotable Quotes: Metaphorically Speaking

Just funny:

"The elderberry dye faded faster than a vampire when confronted with what passes for sunlight here."

Quotable Quotes: Communication Breakdown

Below is a brilliant representation of the "joys" of communication with Etsy Admin.

"Members: We non-US sellers would really appreciated it being noted that the site is in USD. Thank you.

Etsy: Sure, we'll get right onto that.

Members: Umm, it's been a few months now, still no USD. Any update?

Etsy: Sure, we'll get right onto that.

Members: It's like a year now and still no USD. Do you realise that quite a few countries deal in Dollars, so it is confusing for our buyers and some sellers are losing money as a result. There are also legal implications.

Etsy: Sure, we'll get right onto that.

Members: WHY ARE WE WAITING?

Etsy: It's actually really really tricky and our engineers already have awesome projects in the works, so we can't help at this time.

Members: Are you for real? You string us along for like 18 months, tell us it's important to you and that it will be done. Now it's too hard??? WTF?

Etsy: *quickly slaps together a tiny USD that appears in only one place*
Well looky what you peeps got! USD before your money! Please, praise us. Send dried ice, now!


Is it any wonder people are tearing their hair out?"

Quotable Quotes: How to Lock a Thread

MaryMary style:

"Please remember to be respectful to the big hairy Admin asses. I believe this is addressed somewhere in our TOU, Dos & Don'ts or someplace in the Storque. I think. Maybe. Probably. We're working on that. Thanks for your input; I'm making a list and will pass along your communication concerns at the the next staff meeting, which is in August, but we can't commit to that because, you know, schedules are tricky things and priorities change. But I'm definitely probably maybe going to put in on my list."