Friday, January 2, 2009

"Dear Etsy" letter for the ages

With no further ado, this might be the Best. Letter. Evar. This one needs to be sold for framing!

I'm sure this might come as a bit of a shock considering our history together, but I think it's for the best.

Sure, we seemed like one of those couples who would "make it." You're a handmade venue with a ton of traffic. I was a top seller with an impressive amount of sales. But I'm a commercial supplier, and frankly, our relationship is more than a bit one-sided and I just can't take it anymore.

Sure, you love having girls like me around when you want to look studly with those sales numbers. They get a both of us a lot of attention. You're a great-looking site on the surface, and I have tons of products. We make an attractive pair. And we both know that I'm not even close to the best looking girl out there- there are real knockouts like BlackSheepBeads and ArtfulMarket. But this isn't about them, it's about me and you.

When we're at home, it's like my needs never even matter. You KNOW that it takes a lot of effort for me to look this good. Do you think I wake up in the morning and roll out of bed with 50 sales a day? Someone's making sure those items get listed on a timely schedule and it sure as hell isn't YOU! You don't lift a finger! You just sit around and act like it's your God-given right to steal all the credit when I'm the one doing all the work. But when people complain that I get too much attention, you never stick up for me! You just let me hang out to dry.

And speaking of behind closed doors, what the hell is it with the lack of stats and other basic administrative functions? That may have been okay in the 90s, but it's a new decade and girls these days expect you to put in time DOWN THERE, especially if YOU expect US to do it. Don't tell me it's too hard because everyone is different. What do you think I am, an idiot?! This isn't my first time to the rodeo. I've been with other sites! I know what's out there!

And don't tell me that you're doing the best you can, because we both know you're not. Who the HELL told you that being able to submit a lousy TEN feedbacks at once actually counted as "batch" ANYTHING? Or that taking out one picture made an invoice "printer friendly"?? Just because all of the things I have to change appear on one page doesn't make it any easier if I still have to click on every single item!

Not to mention all the glitches I have to deal with, like lost e-mail notifications and payment checkboxes not automatically updating. I've bitched about that one for months! Apparently you've gotten so comfortable in our relationship that you think it's a-okay to just let yourself go!

Face it: In the "private time" category, YOU TOTALLY SUCK! And I'm telling all my girlfriends!!

And you know what else I NEVER liked? The way you dis me to your friends like I'm not good enough. If you didn't want to date commercial suppliers you should have just said so back in 2007 and taken the fallout like a man. But now we've been together for YEARS, and instead of making it up to me like you always said you would, you keep me hidden away off the default search so you can pretend I don't exist, and I'm supposed to just be cool with it and take what I can get. Well, I'm tired of it! I'm just as good as those other stores! Plenty of sites are proud to have me on there with everyone else!

The worst part is that I've been trying to make it work between us for so long that it's changed me into a person I didn't want to be. I started to lower my standards and treat MY customers the way you treat ME. And that is just WRONG. They deserve better, and so do I.

That's why I've decided to go back to my first site on Ebay. That's right, EBAY. I know what you're going to say- that they're big and impersonal, and cost too much, and all that. But you know what? Even if they were, it's worth it because Ebay gives me what I need. In fact, they've been there for me the whole time I've been with you. They've never stopped loving me. How do you like THEM apples!

So we're through, Etsy. It'll take me a while to move out all my stuff, but anything left here after my listings have expired, you can just keep or toss.

Girl, I'm on my way over with the EtsyBitch Bus to move your shit out! For refusing to take that abusive open marriage as well as having a pair of big brass ones, and for the line "girls these days expect you to put in time DOWN THERE, especially if YOU expect US to do it" Etsy Bitch hereby awards Charmerz an EB Award for Valor.

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63 Comments:

forum rubbernecker said...

That was a work of art.

PaintedBull said...

Fuckin' beautiful!

-PaintedBull

Charmerz said...

Thank you, thank you! As a lifetime fan and member of all things snarky and sarcastic, I consider this a huge honor!

cctexan3 said...

So beautiful, I could cry. I hope someone really sent that to the dingalings in mgmt.

delightw said...

Applause,applause,again!

organidog said...

Jesus Christ, I've been moved to tears.
Standing O.

Rosey1333 said...

Congrats Charmerz! I laughed, I cried, I applauded! You deserve this award!

Brass Monkey Designs said...

I'm sorry it got so bad for you (Charmerz) that you had to do to that. That was a sweet damned kiss-off letter though.... Masterfully executed. ;o)

Hi Painted Bull and cctexan!

Malacologist said...

Holy freakin' crap!! That was stunningly awesome.

ebbandflo said...

...... just standing applauding until the crowds go home ......

BitchinBeads said...

Wow. I keep trying to think of something else to insert but nope- Wow does it.

kibbles said...

Stamped with the antlerchrist seal of approval.

Top Shelf Totes said...

Best post of the year (and we're only on the second day)!

Laura said...

Fucking brilliant, I take my hat off to you girl. I don't even have one on, but I'll either make one or doth my invisible one to you. Screw it I’ll do both.

Howard T. Snidbiscuits said...

That's funny...

I have compared Etsy's relationship with sellers to that of an abusive (neglectful or lousy, anyway) spouse myself, so it's right on!

beckandcallgirl said...

Oh Charmerz...I think I love you.

Rachel said...

That was awesome!

The Righteous One said...

whoooooooooo you go girl ;)

trollpatrol said...

Looks like someone's trying to get th e thread locked.

Don't do it people. Don't feed it.

she sucks said...

trollpatrol said...

Looks like someone's trying to get th e thread locked.

Don't do it people. Don't feed it.

====

Ignore the cat. Please, please, please ignore the cat.

MI Zombie said...

The sad thing is Etsy doesn't even care because some new ass kiss will sign up as your leaving to tell them how wonderful and great they are!~

The Disgruntled One said...

*throws flowers to the stage at Charmerz feet*

Brava!

Howard T. Snidbiscuits said...

She cits their lack of automated functionality for sellers as the main reason she's leaving.

The crazy thing is, it's not really that hard to add wht Etsy needs - a bit of a pain with a large user base and existing database, but not nearly as hard as they make it seem. I know 'revolving dork' was an incompetent prick, but I really thought the new staff would be moving on this a lot faster... but still their newest changes have been poorly thought out and not that impressive, and really quite lacking in substance.

Will we be seeing more changes to etsy in the near future (~6 mos) with the new CIO, etc? UM... I haven't been that impressed with the job of the new CIO (nothing's changes except for a few blog posts!) but I think they're on a better path. We'll see how it goes.

Art Deco Bitch said...

I'm gobsmacked.



Wow.

Paw and Claw Designs said...

Hells YES!

eclipse said...

Let's not mince words. Etsy can't get it up. Is there Cialis for websites?

The Funny One said...

Reminds me that when you leave make sure that everything is bargain bin, priced below cost (since Etsy really likes that), and that you put lots and lots and lots and lots of links and notes to where your real shops are on the REAL sites.

And Etsy will be what Etsy created - a bargain bin for maybe handmade that always misses big selling dates and has 3 million listings for anything you might not want------BUT FOR $15 or LESS!!!!

What a business! They managed to create more negative buzz than positive, and they turned the site into a big-box for "crafty-craft trends" that have flushed handmade prices and quality right down the toilet.

And shafted the sellers right down the East River.

Buster and boo said...

I have to go and make a large purchase from charmerz. Just so I can say I knew her when......

Bravo! Can I use that letter when I leave my husband?

Angel said...

Holy entertainment, folks. I hope Admin wakes the hell up and gets truly embarrassed they've been called out in such a way.

Great writing!!!

buddy said...

How typical that they added insult to injury by quickly dumping the thread into Etc. Not an admin comment yet in 21 pages.

Hey Kids: Talk about shitty marketing PR. When your best customers are posting like that and getting such broad support, it's time to hire a PR firm to run your Forum. (Not to mention, time to fix the damn site).

Best of luck to you Charmerz. I left for the same reasons - except since I hardly sold anything there, I had to slink out with my little beagle tail between my legs.

zander said...

an eloquent scream.

Autonomous Artisans said...

Yay Charmerz!

Disappointed said...

Freakin' fabulous letter. Etsy - you are losing great customers like this every day because of your lack of service.

cctexan3 said...

I wish someone could shove the cat's face in her litterbox. The sh*t doesn't stink if you stop stirring; I am sick of hairball cupcakes.

Charmerz I wanna be like you when I grow up!

PussDaddy said...

LOL

PussDaddy said...

You people crack me up with your she is trying to get your thread locked speil. You get your own threads locked.

PaintedBull said...

Yeah, CC I am sick of the cat hairball cupcakes too. I just want to know, were any cats injured during the cheerleader photo shoot?

And as I reread this Dear John letter for Etsy...I keep thinking of that line from the movie "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"

"I no likey you anyway...you got little dingaling..."

-JJ & PaintedBull

PussDaddy said...

Well, hopefully all you bitches can soon be corralled together over at ArtFire, making Etsy a more enjoyable place for everyone to be. At least one can hope. No one gives a flying fuck if any of you leave, no more so than anyone gives a flying fuck if I leave. Another one will come right along and take your place anyway. And you bitches can all huddle together and bitch to and at each other all day and buy each other's stuff. But what will your purpose be if you do not have Etsy to bitch on and about all day and all night? That's why I don't think any of you will go any damn place, you would die of bitch withdrawal.

cctexan3 said...

ROFL Painted Bull. I picture cheerleaders beating their chests with the pom poms in some weird ancient etsy mating ritual a la Gorrilas in The Mist.

Alorinna said...

LOVE IT!

DesignedbyLucinda said...

Now *that* is a sweet letter!

Andy Mathis said...

Queenie said it best, when she asked the cat in a locked thread, why is it that you end up in every business discussion, belittling sellers constantly for their opinions, and yet, you have no shop?


The best thing is to just ignore the cat. Debating/discussing anything/fighting is what she wants. And you'll get muted/banned while she doesn't.

Andy Mathis said...

Here's Queenie's question-
http://www.etsy.com/forums_thread.php?thread_id=5755662&page=15

Brass Monkey Designs said...

May I please add a PS? In keeping with the "Dear John" theme, it should also be added that it's really frustrating to be with someone who is so insecure in your relationship that they can't allow a mixing of associations.

I got this email from Tim (with Etsy support), for putting my Artfire link in my shop announcement (see pasted email below). I knew it was a no-no to post the link, but I was feeling a bit rebellious, so I did it anyway. It didn't even last as long as a weekend reseller shop. Glad they're keeping their priorities straight there.

At any rate, as I read the email I realized how refreshing it is to be with someone (Artfire) who is confident and secure enough to allow me to post links to my other sites. I still have a shop at Etsy, but they're "mistress" now and Artfire is my main squeeze.

teawithfrodo said...

I find it amusing when people actually do something and others get upset.

There are just some people who think they can never make a difference. I feel sorry for those people. That letter made a big impact on some people, just because it was very well put.

This isn't just one person leaving, this is multiple. Seems odd that it just keeps happening. After a while people aren't going to replace them.
I've only been on etsy for a little while, but I already see the issue and will be moving my things to another venue.
While I may only be one person, and she may only be one person...all these people add up over time. And when new people see that old and established sellers on etsy are not happy they will think twice.

As for why some people are buyers and not sellers...
because if any sellers were that nasty to people constantly would you buy from them?

This person is on everyone's blog to tell them they are losers for being unhappy with etsy and doing something about it...because no one cares about them.

Maybe that person can't make a difference, but the rest of us can and will. So I only see one loser.

teawithfrodo said...

and as a second note...
the person who says that all people do here is bitch...
only does the same thing and enjoys the misery of others.

At least the people complaining here do something about it.

But I guess if you take pleasure in everyone else hating you then your life must be pretty sad.

hates cats said...

MANGE.

cat balls said...

Wow, the fur's really flying in here. Some buyers get so worked up on our behalf. Having trouble figuring out why... unless they're jammed so far up Etsy's butt crack they can't even think for themselves any more.

But ya know, we all have to protect our livelihood. Maybe the cat has to protect hers.

dillon designs said...

"But what will your purpose be if you do not have Etsy to bitch on and about all day and all night? That's why I don't think any of you will go any damn place, you would die of bitch withdrawal."

Oh, irony...

PaintedBull said...

Geez, that thread "Who is responsible?" is from August 11, 2008!

I was checking that link and reading it when I realized that it was that old?

If I may add to my defense as well as all the other so called "Etsy Bitches", many of those who complain to Etsy, about issues that are very important to the sellers on Etsy, are doing it for legitimate reasons.

And as far is this goes:
"But what will your purpose be if you do not have Etsy to bitch on and about all day and all night? That's why I don't think any of you will go any damn place, you would die of bitch withdrawal."

Wow, irony indeed...

-JJ & Painted Bull

cctexan3 said...

of the 160,000 plus etsy users, there is only one who cares enough to come and wish us well. awwwwwwww isnt that swell?

unfortunately for the cat, some of us who bitch will stay, and it has taken bitching to get things changed IMO. asking nicely doesnt work.

I am just wondering how some can speak with their lips pressed so hard on etsy's ass.

cctexan3 said...

OMG that is the best effing reply to anyone anywhere at anytime.

I bow to the BitchyQueen of cat chasing.

ROFLMAO ..peeing my pants

The Cranky One said...

PUSSDADDY PISS OFF YOU MALODOROUS SODDING COW! You fucking irrational bipolar crack-addled packrat shopping additive obsessive manic schizophrenic trolling cuntbag:

We are not letting anymore of your comments through. STOP COMMENTING.

No really stop. We tried giving you the benefit of the doubt we made the mistake of somehow making you think you were welcome here. You're not. This is a site for people who are fed up with Etsy not living in it's lower colon.

Crawl back into your closet of bought Etsy "love" still all still wrapped and unused in piles that somehow means more to you than actual validation as a human being. If you have to buy love, you have no love.

We don't know how you fucking got on the Etsy payroll, but we don't fucking care what you think. We know what you think. This isn't your blog, and it's not a blog for you since there is nothing here of your personal slant on things.

Suck it. And for godssake SHUT THE FUCK UP!

eclipse said...

I heart cranky!

The Cranky One said...

(Oh and I'm told you were actually meth-addled, sorry for giving you a promotion in the addict scheme of things. I think it's crack addicts that have a leg up on Methheads.)

paw stomper said...

(My last comment went wonky when my wireless connection died. If this is a duplicate, please forgive me.)

*speechless at Cranky's comment to the cat*

....

.............


MUuwhahahahahah... Ok, not really speechless. Just stunned into a pause when my jaw dropped into my lap.

That cat has been a pain in my arse for more than a year in the fora. THANK YOU, Cranky. You said it perfectly.

I'm a cat lover. But damn, that is one cat I'd love to strap down and pull her claws out with pliers just to hear her yowl. I am so sick of her!

organidog said...

"This is a site for people who are fed up with Etsy not living in it's lower colon."
****************
Bwhahahahaha!!!

PaintedBull said...

Wow, and a note to The Cranky One...
Yes, there is a Santa Claus, and thank you such a perfect gift! No more drive by flying cat hair balls. I am a happy bull.

-JJ & PaintedBull

forum rubbernecker said...

Cranky, I love you. I do. If you weren't a chick, I'd propose right now. You have stolen the words right off my fingertips. And I agree, meth addled, having had first hand experience with a meth addict. I feel sorry for her more than anything. She is surprisingly pleasant on the eBay boards (and yes PD, I DO KNOW WHO YOU ARE OVER THERE -- pencil*necked*geek -- AND I AM ALWAYS WATCHING, ), I guess because she knows that they don't put up with that crap over there. Etsy payroll? I doubt even Etsy is that messed up.

CRAFTS FROM THE HEART said...

perfect

Baffled said...

The Cranky One said...
PUSSDADDY PISS OFF YOU MALODOROUS SODDING COW! You fucking irrational bipolar crack-addled packrat shopping additive obsessive manic schizophrenic trolling cuntbag:

We are not letting anymore of your comments through. STOP COMMENTING.

No really stop. We tried giving you the benefit of the doubt we made the mistake of somehow making you think you were welcome here. You're not. This is a site for people who are fed up with Etsy not living in it's lower colon.

Crawl back into your closet of bought Etsy "love" still all still wrapped and unused in piles that somehow means more to you than actual validation as a human being. If you have to buy love, you have no love.

We don't know how you fucking got on the Etsy payroll, but we don't fucking care what you think. We know what you think. This isn't your blog, and it's not a blog for you since there is nothing here of your personal slant on things.

Suck it. And for godssake SHUT THE FUCK UP!
..................................

How is this kind of behavior any different than how Etsy treats it's customers?

The Righteous One said...

Baffled, for one, we don't have CUSTOMERS. We are not a business being paid to do this. This is a blog.

For another, the one posting under the Puss name was being a troll, spouting off to hear themselves speak and stir up shit.

There are a number of people in the Etsy forums that Etsy SHOULD say that to.

Forum moderation and customer service don't mix well. We don't have to customers to service so, it's easier for us :p

CastoCreations said...

OH MY GAWD that is hilarious and wonderful!!!!!!