Friday, June 20, 2008

Happy Birthday Etsy!


We know it wasn’t the best third birthday, your view counter surprise ending up with a head rolling incident and all. But we think things can get better. Now that you’ve had your cake and ate it too (we know you did even if you didn’t say you did) it’s time to put on your grown up pants and get to work. Now, now, stop your whining. You have customers to serve!

Rokali, put down that fish! It’s not natural for a grown man to love an aquatic creature so fiercely unless he’s Tom Hanks and the fish grows legs. It’s time you sat down and wrote out a business plan young man. Three years is a long time for a company to flail around. And you have lots of people and their families depending on what you’ve sold them. No, no! Nothing about being a little fish! You have 27 million dollars. You’re the big fish now. Here’s a pencil…no, no crayon. I don’t care if that’s ‘handmade’, it’s sloppy. We'll talk about the booth you built in the backyard, later.

Community Team, take off your party hats, and stop telling us you love us; you’re not our friends. We have no illusion about that. But what we do need you to do is stop helping EtsyLabs pick up their toys and learn your phone number. You already have your address down, but customers are going to need to talk to you quickly sometimes. Also, some of you are going to have to start staying up past your bed time. You have customers across the world who need you too. And weekends. Now dears, stop whining, do you think any of us want to work weekends either? And no, you don’t get holidays off, but you can alternate. You and customer service, what, there’s no customer service team? Well then looks like you need to make more friends.

Engineers, work is no place to be playing games. It’s where you work, that’s why it’s called, well, work. Put down the video game controller. You can have it back when you’ve finished your work! Stop fighting with it! Now, when you’re fixing something, you should tell the customer how it’s going. And when something is new, and you aren’t sure how well it’ll work, it’s called ‘beta’. Come on, dears, can you say 'beta'? I knew you could! Except for little Dorkie there; vocabulary and social interaction classes may be necessary for you, you little rascal. But I’ll let you get back to work for now. Hey! Hey! I said no video games!

We know you’re growing up and having friends is fun, but this is not a social networking site. It’s a business. It’s an e-commerce site. So buck up and face the real world. Or no more birthday cake for you!

Happy Birthday, we hope you get your act together and make it to 4.

Love,

the Bitches xoxo

9 Comments:

angrymollie said...

Why didn't they do anythign to mark their anniversary? All I saw was as torque article plugging someone else's shop.

wristeroni said...

You really need to add another another available answer to the EB Poll.

Forget Rokali . . . I want to have Etsy Bitch's baby!

ebbandflo said...

i sincerely hope that etsy gets its act together in time to have a splendid 4th birthday party - the last two have been dismal and not really worth celebrating

whther you're potty-trained or not, it's time to start pulling your pants (and socks) up

what is there to celebrate? said...

angrymollie said...

"Why didn't they do anything to mark their anniversary?"


They are doing research, gathering ideas, discussing it with the engineers, brainstorming while eating pies, fusing plastic to their birthday banner and generally taking their sweet time.

Oh, they'll have some big amazing party for their third birthday ... in 2011 or so.
Remember, this is the company that took forever to bring back Alchemy and even longer to add 'USD' to prices.

Give them time.
Gee. You must think things happen over night.
Don't rush them.

angrymollie said...

whatistheretocelebrate, I think you read a bit oo much into my question. I thought they'd have a birthday banner or some kind of article discussing the growth of the company.

If I remember correctly they did have an announcement last year on the front page. I wasn't looking for anything spectacular.

The Righteous One said...

angrymollie, I'm pretty sure whatistheretocelebrate was being sarcastic.

A lot of what they wrote is identical to previous admin responses in the bugs forum :)

AngryHousewife said...

Dear Bitches, stop, please, you are making me laugh so much I think I just peed my pants ... perhaps the reason we did not hear about Etsy's 3rd birthday is because we were not invited to the party (its very indie to be exclusive like that and call it being private, especially in Brooklyn)... left out of the clique again, love, etc AngryHousewife

MajorFuckingEtsyBurnout said...

angryhousewife said...

... perhaps the reason we did not hear about Etsy's 3rd birthday is because we were not invited to the party ....
-------------------------

It's sad, but, I think you have exactly hit the home-made bullseye with this statement.

what is there to celebrate? said...

angrymollie, The Righteous One is correct ... I'm just being a smart ass.

Your question was valid; I just used it to poke at Etsy a bit.