Sunday, June 22, 2008

From the Bitches Auxiliary: Checklist

Dear Etsy,

Oh howdie and good morning, hope you have your mocha java 2-shots lattes in hand because the is today's advice for YOU.

When you encounter an unhappy sellers on Etsy, you must:
  • Ignore their posts and pleas for help, including any and all emails - delete, delete, lock.

  • You KNOW those Bitches are going to write about you anyway, and they are just poopy faces to be ignored too.

  • Go back to gathering intelligence on every one of those Bitches Stores (real or imaginary) and get ready to delete, delete, lock, red brick wall, and send a really threatening series of emails personally attacking that seller. Maybe they'll just go away.

  • Go the extra mile. Make sure you've scoured the net for suspicious blogs, comments on OTHER blogs and just keep piling up that evidence. You don't need much to make your case to start harassing that seller until kingdom comes, but, it helps to have a list of demands from that seller that have nothing to do with the law, freedom of speech, or doing business in a businesslike manner.

  • Always remember you're Etsy, and you can do anything or say anything you want because you have proven that you can be arrogant, egocentric, narcisstic, and flout the law because you feel like it.

  • Take a big breath, pull out those reams of evidence, and start writing. Remember, your CEO wants 30 really, really nasty emails to sellers on his desk by 1 PM (when he gets into the office) to be ready to go out at 11 PM so those sellers have a real Etsy-mocha-java-2-shot (literally) latte in their hands when they open their email accounts.

Go on, get to it! Time's a wasting and we have a ping-pong tournament at 2 and another new employee party and barbecue on the roof at 3.

Bring your favorite Swimmies because we're having a Design Contest at 7 PM and the loyal Etsy employee with the most-loved and adored Swimmy gets a $3,500 cash bonus added to their weekly paycheck!!!!!

Your Leader xoxo


impetuous said...

30 nasty emails? That sounds like spam to me.

eclipse said...

I'm confused what this is based on. Have sellers been getting nasty or threatening emails from Etsy recently? Relating to their blogs or other outside etsy activities?
I mean, I know about the February debacle with Danielle, and other stuff last year, but this sounds like there is something recent going on. I hadn't heard about it. I'm so out of the loop. :(

impetuous said...

maybe EB should provide a little more background when it comes to that kind of juicy info....

The Righteous One said...

It's just a snarky auxiliary post...a 'what do we think they do all day' type of thing.

It actually wasn't supposed to go up yet, but something got messed up with the scheduling.