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Or how about a check up from the neck up?
We’ve been laughing so hard about the details of the new Etsy Merchandising Plan (from the new Merchandising Desk) that we could barely read the long list of themes revealed in one of the most bizarre bloggies EVER posted in the Dorque.
And what were we thinking? Waiting with bated breath for a clue about what we are supposed to be producing in our artisan studios for Etsy to pick for a Front Page Promotion, we just didn’t expect we’d be force to make..............doodads for the Kentucky Derby!?!?!? Oh goodness, now that’s a new twist on "handmade", dontcha think? Horsehair, anyone? (It’s a very flexible medium!)
The whole list sounds like an outline for a 19th Century Programme for festivities at the Country Club, raise your pinkies, grab your teacup, and lift that (upper class) lip!
Aha! But we’re taking a break from our equestrian related thoughts to put our own EB spin on this amazing list of Etsy Themes for May that have nothing in the entire universe to do with handmade, the artisan, the handmade product, the seller, the handmade store, ...or HANDMADE!
MAY PROGRAMME FROM THE EB MERCHANDISING DESK (Take a number and sit down in the velvet covered lounge and wait your turn, please):
UPCOMING EB CANNOT-LIVE-WITHOUT-DATES IN MAY:
May 1 - Oops, we forgot what they call these holiday things in those other countries out there.
May 2 - Dress appropriately in Etsy Approved Apparel adorned with your can’t live without Etsy Accessories that nobody really wears in public and get ye to the nearest OTB to start betting!
May 3 - Another Obscure Holiday, but let’s buck the trend and go shopping at big box stores anyway. Something may actually be on sale!
May 4 - Hmmm. What can we think of that will make people spend money on all those things we keep picking for the Front Page, day after day after day?
May 5 - Tacos and cervesas for everyone, let’s rub shoulders with South of the Border!
May 8 - A military-sounding holiday would be good to throw in here, and some reference to another country too, any will do!
May 10 - Mother’s Day? Whaaaaaa? Ya know, we were just too busy at Etsy to even think about this important retail holiday, and it’s boring. ‘Nuf said.
May 13 - OK, let’s all go to the movies and forget about shopping!
May 25 - Heads Up, Etsy Sellers! Get ready to start making Etsy-Themed Products for June!
May 25 - Isn’t there some kind of international athletic event that has nothing to do with selling and buying handmade? Come ON, we gotta think of something!
What more can we say? Etsy, you’re paying someone to come up with themes that have no connection to selling handmade online. We really want to be a fly on the wall at your next "Theme Staff Meeting" at Gold Street--care to turn on your videocam and let us in so we can eyeroll along with the rest of you??? Checks payable to blankety blank, filled out for CASH ONLY please.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Time for a Reality Check, Etsy?
Posted by The Funny One at 3:23 AM
Tagged: don't quit your day job, dumbasses, Etsy, marketing, ridiculous, storque
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28 Comments:
Clearly, the long dark hall is getting scarier.
A CALENDAR, with a tiny pop up on hover over each day, made in flash to reflect world holidays of the many countries that SHOP AND SELL at ETSY, could do it all. I would hover. I would!! even a blog calendar?? Anyone ??
A CALENDAR IS THE MOST SIMPLE AND NON SPACE HOGGING ITEM ON A WEBPAGE. 1/100 the size of the handpicks Center of earth section.
REMOVE THAT DAMN ETSY HAND PICKED or move it to the bottom or, hey her’s an idea, LINK TO THAT on the FP. Then track how many people go there!!!! It’s the blind horse leading THEM to extinction.
I will never go to the dork or any new idea to promote them again. my God, What’s nest? This is simply comedy at this point. Proving once again, the people in that office are clueless. Simply mind boggling straight outta school clueless when it comes to marketing.
They seem to have no interest in handmade anymore. Have you seen the featured seller at the moment? Not one handmade item in the shop!!! Unless you count sticking a plant in an old teacup handmade (and I don't). The interview is laughable - they ask her when she decided to become an artist - selling "vintage" is now considered an art??? WTF?
Uggghhh...
They do realize that April is near enough over as far as that handful of shop owners who do not live in the US are concerned, right?
Oh no wait, we don't count... And Mother's Day has been and gone, like, last month. But again, the UK does not really count...
The link isn't working (well not for me anyway). I get a 404 error message.
Dang, the blog is gone. Did they rethink it? Now I really want to read it (first time ever)
What's going on? I am so confused. The link in your post goes to "Page Not Found." What was removed and why? Please help a dazed old bitch who missed the joke.
hahaha. THE BLOG POST IS ALREADY GONE. Your link? Dead.
:D
what am i meant to be making now? is it stringing another mass produced octopus on a chain by any chance or stitching 4 lines of basic floss on some linen a la etsy mode?
no one sent me the 'what will sell' memo
The link had problems, I've fixed it. The article IS still there though now buried at the bottom of the front page of the Dorque
Your May 2nd theme reminds me of this past year when I mistakenly paid too much money(too much being any) to go to an Etsy sponsored craft event. My Mother got a grab bag and was lucky enough to receive a cute pair of lampwork earrings, a sample of some yummy soap and some assorted candy and business cards. So the very nice vendor next to me got one and she received a bunch of handmade stickers, a misaligned pin and a knit neckwarmer. When she pulled it out she looked at me since she knew I sold on Etsy and asked, 'um, what is this supposed to be'. I told her a neckwarmer and she just stared at me. I was explaining the concept much to my embarrassment when her friend came up and they both had a good laugh about it. Her friend took her bag back and asked to exchange it for her and was happy to receive some nice soap like my Moms.
If I follow the example of successful Etsy faves, I ought to be able to fit all thise tags in my listings...
equestrian Derby fun,
Kentucky mint julep,
barbecue art kitsch party,
Papa bear fathers day,
cinco de mayo colorful fiesta,
emerald diamond taurus gemini,
glass houswares art cute...
and still have a few tags left for more.
why didn't I think of this before?
Wow. Etsy has finally found one of the few occasions where cougars can appropriately dress in the backless, strapless, cleavage exposing mini-length junior size ruffles/leaves/petals/feathers on the bustline party dresses featured on the FP daily -- the Kentucky Derby! Topped by a neo neo faux Victorian meets Art Nouveau via Steampunk hat. Fingerless gloves, a scratchy wool and feather scarflette to hide neck wrinkles, and some used pumps from the vintage category. Off to the track.
And I am not just being snarky. Last year on that show about the Playboy women (Girls Next Door, is it?) there was an episode about them needing hats for the Derby, and some attempts at crafting same. I have to say that these 'girlfriends' of Hef's really had the Etsy cougar couture style down.
Free clue for Etsy -- there is nothing 'green' or environmentally conscious about running an online business that requires the packing and shipping of nearly every item sold. Will someone please tell me how buying a frickin' plant on Etsy is 'green' when every small town (and I lived in one of less than 1,000 residents) has its own local greenhouse(s), along with potters who do hand make (not pour into vintage molds) pots and planters? I love to shop, and I am all in favor of buying what you love where it's fun to buy it -- but enough of the tree groping bulldada already!
Oh Man, what are they smokin'??!
WTF is Slow Food and Art of Slow Lifestyle??!!! noted here:
"Slow Food and Art of Slow lifestyle themes remain on our minds. We are interested in highlighting a global movement, embracing a greater appreciation for art, vintage, crafting, and handmade. Stay tuned for more posts and articles on the topic planned throughout the remainder of April." ----- HUH???!!!
They want to embrace handmade and crafting throughout APRIL???? Not ALL THE DAMN TIME??!! Again, WTF?!
And this BS about stay tuned for more...MORE WHAT? This is exactly the wording they used previously telling everyone about their potential upcoming WEIRD themes that make no sense. And as far as I could tell, did they EVER clarify what it is exactly they are hoping all their little sellers will comply with?
So, while EtsyIDIOTS have slow food and lifestyles on their minds, were just trying to sell.
UN-FRIGGIN-BELIEVABLE
I do hope some enterprising and talented Etsy sellers (who are also very business savvy) send out this "merchandising calendar" embarrassment to plenty of marketing firms and the marketing press and encourage them to laugh their asses off and talk about it.
If my "marketing consultant" came up with shit like this, I'd not only fire them, I'd sue them for slander. Because it's not only taining the site, it's making a mockery of the legitimate handmade sellers who are paying fees that support this unspeakable arrogance.
Etsy already turned handmade into a discount bin, and now they're asking their customers to break completely with reality.
For my family, at least, it's either the 24 rolls of toilet paper on sale, or an "Equestrian Fantasy on Etsy for $15 or Less" and we're going with the T.P.
It, at least, is just what it advertises to be.
Etsy lost its way, has no idea what time of day it is (or what the retail economy is), and no longer relates to MOST of the sellers on the site--------let alone MOST of its customers.
Are your views and sales down? Well, it could be because you never get promoted on Etsy because you don't make what they tell you to, BUT-------it could also be that Etsy is turning off customers by the thousands, yours included.
Notice how the new merchandising calendar DID NOT GO OUT in a seller email? Think some people at Etsy might be embarrassed about it too? (Or are they busy raiding their horsehair mattresses for craft supplies?)
THEY ARE PAYING THIS GUY TO COME UP WITH THIS SHIT? Sorry, I had to yell. He must go home and crack up with his "S.O." over the gullibility of Etsy.
OMG..... I just laugh and ignore all that and go about my business. What's really really really really really funny is that most people who have an interest in the Kentucky Derby are well dressed and well heeled--which is not what the hipster life is about.
I think I am now very glad that my listings there have all finally expired.
o.O
I can't understand why they find the need to write anywhere from 2 to 5 blogs per DAY about this garbage. I'd love to find myself a job where I get to play all day, throw together a bunch of nonsense and call it a blog, and actually get paid to do it. Etsy has lost its puny mind.
So Rokali completely disses Mexico on Sunday morn TV, but Etsy still wants to cash in on their holiday.
And Etsy thinks they'll sell oodles of amateur $10 pieces of discount handcrafts to Derby attendees, who are known for spending $400 on their hats, and ridiculously more for the rest of their couture. (Know your market, Etsy?)
Oddly, I'm also finding it difficult to remember anyone anywhere celebrating Zodiac calendar changes - either buyers or stores. I can't wait till July when we get to celebrate Cancer.
I wish Etsy would learn how to use its Google Analytics. Better yet, I wish they's use an actual statistical package to analyze their member and sales data, and hire a real Marketing guru, instead of this pseudo-merchandising moron.
"Slow Food and Art of Slow lifestyle themes remain on our minds." Well that sure gave me a long laugh!
Does "Slow Food" mean Etsy will turn into a Farmer's Market? Or, a garden? Or, a home kitchen where family traditional and local cuisine can be cooked at home?
Picture this: a FP devoted to "Slow Food", i.e., locally (meaning Brooklyn) "grown" and "cooked" needlefelted and fabric and clay and reseller plastic and vitage ceramic vegetables, fruits and meals. All inedible but those would fit Etsy's very own definition of "Slow Food".
Then, we have the "Art of Slow lifestyle". Etsy and its employees definitelt fit the "Slow lifestyle" portion of that. They are always way slooooooooow in promoting holidays, banning resellers, fixing the site.
Then the Kentucky Derby thing. I'd be extremely surprised if any Etsy employee:
1. Knew what the proper attire for the event is; and,
2. Knew the proper manner in which to conduct oneself at such an exclusive event.
I think this comment left sums up selling on etsy:
"I am bookmarking this and will start to work on some pottery to fit the different themes and holidays."
They are making items specifically to fit this nonsense, because that's the only way to be noticed on etsy. It's disgusting, I can't wait until my listings expire.
Gag. Etsy will now be selecting treasuries for the front page that are designed around their stupid marketing plan:
http://www.etsy.com/storque/etsy-news/etsys-treasury-finding-focus-3508/
How much are they paying this Lou Sager (?) person to come up with this weird-ass shit? they have to be sharing their dope in those marketting meetings. It's crazy, and with these so-called marketting focusses, and the move towards making it a written OK for staff to mix and match treasury items-- it's going to get MUCH MUCH WORSE.
Who the hell are they trying to market to? This niche shit will bring in fewer instead of more customers.
It seems to be be moving faster and faster to "we decide what's cool" and "if you don't like what we like, don't shop here or sell here because you are not cool enough".
So... is slow food a salad that crawls away off your plate at a snail's pace?? this reminds me of the awesome scene in Better Off Dead where the mom dishes out this weird oatmeal glop with raisins and it slowly inches away off the plate! what a ridiculous calendar... I'm in total agreement with y'all this time!
It's rather sad to me that Slow Food - like environmental sustainablility (or "going green" as the trendy would have it) - is tainted by its association with this ridiculous calendar.
The Slow Food movement is actually a pretty cool thing, being concerned with countering the eat-a-cheap-burger-on-the-run mentality that's all too common these days. Slow Food is about coming together with friends and family to bond over shared meals, meals cooked with sustainable materials and care and attention.
Basically, it's about respecting food, and respecting the role it plays in cultures around the world.
It is very much NOT about a bunch of trendy little knickknacks or branding an internet venue.
----
I am amused. My verification word, is, for real, "buying."
"gag me" is so right!
And it's a warning (and not a very fair one) that Etsy just spanked sellers for having hissy fits about not getting into the tiny window of time to create seller-treasuries------I say, why bother?
Etsy now picks over 50% of ALL FRONT PAGE TREASURIES. They are no longer from sellers or about sellers.
They are about the same products that Etsy ALREADY PROMOTES in all other areas of the site ETSY CONTROLS.
Please someone figure out a way to get some buyer feedback about how off the rails Etsy has tumbled. Please someone give us the real buyer-opinions of the site. Are they actually visiting and buying anymore?
Or are they flocking to ArtFire, 1000Markets, DaWanda, Zibbet, and countless other sites that are actually about the artisans who create and sell handmade?
I sure wanna know.
Uh...Did they REALLY put Aries in May? Really? Cuz I'm an Aries, and I was born in EARLY APRIL.
Who knew? LOL!
Who is this Sagar guy, anyway? Was he/were they high when they caem up with this? Sheesh.
I do not fit the Etsy mold. I probably never will, but you know what? I don't care.
Etsy's a cheap venue, and it gives me an online presence until I can get my own web site up and going. If they want to "experiment" (bad idea, IMO,) I say let 'em. Do your own thing. Be your own artist.
I don't know. Like I said, I stopped reading when I saw that--unless I misread--they had put Aries in May. *shakes head*
This is very amusing.
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