Thursday, July 3, 2008

Make your own death shroud... er hammock!

A reader sent us this link to another atrociously piss poor sewing how-to video, and poor choices of materials, by Brepettis.

Witness a massive case of bad judgment to make the sorriest excuse for a crap hammock I've ever seen. Can you guess what will happen when Brepettis makes a hammock?

This IS popcorn worthy, readers. Go pop some then come back and hit play.



No thanks, I'll buy mine on eBay where it might have been designed in mind of some country's safety regulations (you can ignore those if you make it yourself like a ignoramus hipster doofus!). Tell me again it's peachy keen that professional people at a corporate craft site tell you to use "fabric that might hold me" and clothes line - for a hammock. Clothes line. He spends more time telling you how to condense the excess rope than he does sewing the damned thing. Clothes line!

I hope Etsy gets it's ass sued black and blue when someone's kid suffocates in that concoction while playing in it and it closes up on them, or someone breaks their neck, spine, tailbone, hip, etc, when they hit the ground in 30 seconds for following their directions.

It's not just a stupid negligent video -- it's an injury lawyer's wet dream.

118 Comments:

eclipse said...

Bre is made of fail.
Crafts's's: Ur doin it rong.

does it make me a bad person that I keep replaying the part where he falls on his ass, and giggling?
Oh no, was that a spoiler?

The Dangerous Mezzo said...

Mr "Grumpy Haters" is PAID to do this by Etsy, that's what boggles my mind.

This exemplifies the fine, responsible, interesting and well-produced content that is The Storque.

It just isn't possible to parody this stuff -- it's already a parody of itself.

just bitchy said...

They had better start running this shit by sarah the lawyer.

They are a menace and stupid.

lucy said...

That totally WAS a spoiler eclipse!

I shudder to think of all the "handmade hammocks" that are going to flood Etsy. There is a seriously liability issue with all of these crafting demo's.

Morrigan said...

Dammit Eclipse!

You know your supposed to post: "WARNING - SPOILER ALERT" before telling people that kind of stuff. Now what am I supposed to do with this popcorn???


hmmmmmmmm....maybe a popcorn hammock! Yeah!!

Christina said...

Uh... seriously? What a shitty video.

1.) If you are going to make a how-to video TEST out your process and make sure it works FIRST. Don't just make something up and hope to God it pans out.

2.) I don't think hanging your hammock on any public poles or signs is a good idea. Cause guess what? If your fat ass breaks the pole... it's called vandalism.

3.) That looks like the sorriest hammock I've ever seen in my life... uncomfortable much?

I'm just in awe that they are spending money on something like this.

The video should be called "We thought we'd show you how to make this cool hammock but we can't figure out how!".

Andy Mathis said...

Are the police/security people making them take the hammocks down in the last few seconds?


If so, good for them. Save a tree. Sit your rear on the park bench like regular people.

Forum rubbernecker said...

Oh. No. They. Didn't.

I agree with just bitchy. This is a major liability issue.
Forum posts that will follow:

OP: Help, I think I cracked my coccyx while making my own hammock from the Etsy tutorial video. I can't get up off the floor and my roommate won't be home next Tuesday.

Reply 1: OMG, thank goodness you have your laptop nearby.
Reply 2: Can you move your legs? If you can't, that is a bad sign.
Reply 3: Email Admin and see what others have done when this happened.

Sigh......

headdesk

just bitchy said...

And saying "you do this at your own risk" does NOT limit your liability.

MORONS!

Andy Mathis said...

rubbernecker- you forgot-

"OMG, I so sorry that happened to you. . . "

cheeseNpickle said...

Mighta been a good idea to try it out over a nice, soft grassy lawn first time.

Ow. :>/

Brooke said...

They also included a mass-produced item in the featured items that go along with the article. Nice.

The Malevolent One said...

I'm thinking Mr. Pettis may have taken a few knocks to the head before this one.

Jen Segrest (verybigjen) said...

If the "rope" hadn't broken the stitching would have. That was an awesomely bad design as well. Sailors in the birtish navy in the 1600's hand sewed better hammocks that that.

Made of fail is right!

TheSneakyOne said...

See.. I was thinking more along the lines of banana hammocks. I know, I know. My mind is ALWAYS in the gutter.

The Kinky One said...

Ok, you stumped me Sneaky.

WTH is a banana hammock?

Ivydee said...

Great to see my Etsy dollars hard at work.

newreader said...

Well, I always knew I didn't want a traditional coffin when it's my time to go.


I'll have the funeral director whip up one of these and hang me between two trees in the graveyard, shall I?

TheSneakyOne said...

http://www.funnypictures.net.au/userimages/user1680_1163474829.jpg

That's a banana hammock. LOL.

Morrigan said...

"See.. I was thinking more along the lines of banana hammocks. I know, I know. My mind is ALWAYS in the gutter."

ewwwwwwwwwwwww, my EYES!!!!!!!!!!

lucy said...

BTW It was so indie and cool when he tied his hammock up on those two street signs. He got 10 indie cred points for that one.

eclipse said...

If anyone can make me an animated gif of just the part where he falls, I will adore you forever.
I want to loop it and play that part over and over, in .gif not in flash plz!
kthxbai!

ShrugItOff said...

I read the title alone "make your own death shroud" and spit diet-Pepsi all over the screen. Priceless!

The Disgruntled One said...

There are three comments by other Admin on that Storque article. I think the tag "circle-jerk" needs to be added here.

BratGirl said...

wtf, they can't spare the bandwidth to give us images in our shop rss feeds, but they have the manpower to make stupid how-to videos for something I made better when I was nine????

I'm completely offended.

eclipse said...

2:20-2:23 is the part I want in a gif
:D pleeeaze!

yeah you right said...

i can see mixed species in the beef jerky banana hammock right now

back away from the hammock etsy and do a video about how to market your sell with paid advertising magazines that rich people read
thankyouverymuch

zoebella said...

Love how a USED baby hammock is featured in the storque after the article

shannon said...

etsy tells us not to:

http://tinyurl.com/62cnvo

safety tips: you only get them if you follow them on twitter!

toolazytologin said...

Eclipse, check your flickr.

wristeroni said...

Etsy is too busy doing "10 Second Dance Breaks" to care about common sense.

panik said...

funny...and all this time i thought buddy holly died in a plane crash along with the big bopper and ritchie valens. i guess i was mistaken. apparently he borrowed a sewing machine from his grandma (hey - does she live in the midwest and make "traditional crafts?...if so - let vanessa know), attached a fey label on it saying he would "rather be riding a unicorn" and fell to his death between two shoddy street signs on a brooklyn sidewalk.
when will they learn? "that'll be the day ay ay when they die"

MajorFuckingEtsyBurnout said...

Eclipse, "made of fail" is purty much the best line I have ever heard....Sweet baby Jesus, that will be coming out of my mouth at least 10 times a day from now on...


Forum rubbernecker, I think I actually just broke my cock watching that....!


*Wherz ma hugzzzz?*

eclipse said...

bre gotta owie.
when I watch this I am less grumpy. :D

The Malevolent One said...

[dies laughing]

Too damn funny, Panik.

OMG said...

Andy Mathis said...
rubbernecker- you forgot-

"OMG, I so sorry that happened to you. . . "
______________________

OMFG, I was just going to type that but then I thought I should check to see if anyone else did.

The Malevolent One said...

Anonymous, your comment is welcome, just please use a nickname.

lucinda, cindy, whatever said...

I knew it was coming but I still laughed when Bre fell! OMG, didn't they ever think to TEST it before letting the cameras roll?

I think they are adding some extra ingredients to those cupcakes at Etsy Central...

Lucinda, Cindy, whatever said...

I retyped it, malevolent one - - my computer hiccupped and it lost the part where I signed my name so I made a new post instead :)

(Maybe my laughing so hard startled the computer or I hit post before it was set :) I am still heehawing here and I am going to go watch the ending again :)

omg said...

panik, I couldn't breathe for like a full 2 minutes after reading your Buddy Holly post I was laughing so hard.

outonmyown said...

Can we learn how to make "bre gotta owie clips" in the next lab, please, please.

Maybe Danielle can give up her working with acrylics spot.

WindysDesigns said...

They need to submit it to worlds most funniest videos. Or stupid people tricks on David Letterman.

Odannysgirl said...

Is it "special" brownie day at Etsy?

Andy Mathis said...

bre got an owie-

besides the neck whiplash, look at that poor Do Not Enter Sign flopping back and forth . . . .

lurker said...

Just when I think it's not possible to be more embarrassed for Etsy ... I see this.

This is a joke, right?
Candid Camera?
April Fool's Day?
An elaborate Punk'd episode of gigantic proportion?

They're f'ing with us. They must be.

Is it really possible for the employees of Etsy to be that stupid, stoned, immature or reckless?


Maria- welcome to the freak show that is Etsy.
Are the pink slips mass produced or are they being made using a gocco?

abreakastudios said...

If I got that as a gift, I would cut a hole in it and wear it as a poncho.

Meredith said...

Did that douche bag see the guides on his sewing machine? I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and chock it up to "camera angle," but that stitchin' looked like he had a few too many cocktails before.

Well...at least he busted where he pulled that project from.

frankie said...

um... this is "the etsy media awesome team"...show a little respect...mmmkay.

my unicorn still loves you ♥

forum rubbernecker said...

OMG panik, I am laughing so hard I am crying!

Panik gets to thumbs up.

Brepettis is ....all thumbs.

wtf said...

why are comments being moderated?

are the bitches just a bunch of hypocrites?

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Malevolent One said...

wtf - We're moderating comments just for the time being so we don't have to sit around and wait for and delete comments from certain trolls. Not something we want to do, but even bitches have to sleep some time. Any comments that are more or less on topic will be let through.

The Malevolent One said...

Anonymous people, your comments are welcome, we just ask you to use a nickname, thanks.

Brooke said...

To be fair - I sent a convo to Bre about the mass produced item and he thanked me for noticing and removed it.


Still - these things should be policed BEFORE they hit the Storque/Etsy front page/Gift Guides.

zander said...

I love watching other idiot's self-inflicted pain...

and paid for by etsy? even better!

wtf said...

whatever...it's your credibility you're playing with.

if it looks like a troll and it acts like a troll..... it's troll. deleting their commments only makes you look bad.

whenpigsfly said...

Brooke said...

To be fair - I sent a convo to Bre about the mass produced item and he thanked me for noticing and removed it.


---------------

Well, of course they did. It's YOU asking after all. Why don't you ask them to work on easier checkout while you are at it. Are you posting here pretending to be all supportive of EB to try and convince others you haven't been troll posting here for days?!

the fluffy one said...

holy moses! that is just pathetic.

these comments, however, are awesome!

~B.Z. said...

Looks like he may have suffered a pretty good ass thumping !

Truly laughing my ass off over here !

... and he's damn lucky that it was ONLY the foot side that broke or he could have been FINED for littering the sidewalk with his SHIT FOR BRAINS !

The Malevolent One said...

Speaking of staying on topic... may I request that you all stay on topic. The topic being death-shroud hammocks.

Anna said...

personally, i *love* the fact that the little twat stated the following:
wildflowerdesigns, dangerousmezzo, aorta, NOSSUBGALLERY, thanks, got it, next time please convo me with issues instead of leaving comments as flags.
what? seriously? seriously???
bitterangryflowofvenomincreasing...

Brooke said...

Brooke said...

To be fair - I sent a convo to Bre about the mass produced item and he thanked me for noticing and removed it.


---------------

Well, of course they did. It's YOU asking after all. Why don't you ask them to work on easier checkout while you are at it. Are you posting here pretending to be all supportive of EB to try and convince others you haven't been troll posting here for days?!




--

Sure. *shrug*

He didn't take it down because *I* asked. He doesn't even seem to know who I am at all. I imagine he noticed the convo and took down the item because of that and the comments in the article - there are 3 or 4.

(You might want to look in another post or two before you declare me as pro-Etsybitch. )

stitchandtell said...

Okay - catching up on the bitching that is Etsy here - how I have missed this blog...and since some inconsiderate jackass has chosen to have several comment sections killed this week - I will post here. Bitches please feel free to remove my post if it's not appropriate.

All I can say it - can Rob bring the Etsy kiddies to Tennessee for a sight seeing tour? I live a fair piece down the road from where they filmed Deliverance - and know of several big bubba types that would be happy to school them in "proper human behavior and civility" the painful way...

And BTW - a month of tutorials brought to you by the letter "w" and the letter "u" - "waste of time" and "useless to boot" at it's finest...

Okay - back to our regulary scheduled program...

moi said...

i barely trust hammocks as it is. i'm pretty damn crafty and i'd hesitate to make my own hammock.

persephone said...

I so needed a laugh when I got home from work today - my boss is made of fail shall we say!

This was a brilliant piece of mood changing youtubery - what a dick! My kids came running to see what I was hysterical about...

persephone said...

and aren't you glad he tested it several feet above a HARD surface. *kvetch*

jodie nicholson said...

Ham-mock on YouBoob

I am SO the boss of you! said...

Anonymous wtf said...

whatever...it's your credibility you're playing with.

if it looks like a troll and it acts like a troll..... it's troll. deleting their commments only makes you look bad.

--------------------

You seriously either need to get laid or you need a life.

If you don't like it here..don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

I am SO the boss of you! said...

I didn't know what all of the commotion was about until I saw the video. I seriously cannot believe that even with the fact that they have a lawyer, they still out up videos like this.

It's a disaster and a lawsuit waiting to happen.

It makes you wonder when they're all riding unicorns and making videos, who's taking care of Etsy?

mememe said...

So, I need votes for what the charges were when the police car pulls up at the very end to stop them from TYING A HAMMOCK TO CITY PROPERTY.
-Three counts of bad camera angles?
-Misdemeanor offense of not knowing how to use a sewing machine?
-Ticket for "really, most people can't pull off that look and shouldn't try"?

I think the whole issue of not realising the clothesline not being sufficient is simple. No doubt no one at etsy actually does their own laundry, much less hangs it to dry to actually KNOW how much clothesline is meant to hold.
Those perfectly faded slimfit jeans don't stay that way on their own, you know. Have to drag them around the corner to the laundry twice a week, there's this little place, they don't speak English very well, but they burn incense or something? It's cool, you know? Or sometimes my mom does it. She like, she's always trying to teach me how to do it when I go home, but whatever, I got videos to make, got this great idea for a homemade flamethrower made out of styrofoam cups and stuff. It'll be great to show to teenagers.

Anyway, I think even if he realised the clothesline wasn't sufficient it wouldn't have mattered. He would have thought his own hipster bravado would have made him hover safely over the ground.

I need coffee. I'll shut up.

lurker said...

the used baby hammock is still listed

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=12990675


Bets on how long it stays on the site?

panik said...

brepettis says:

wildflowerdesigns, dangerousmezzo, aorta, NOSSUBGALLERY, thanks, got it, next time please convo me with issues instead of leaving comments as flags.

so...i guess sending snarky convos to tell people they suck is the preferred modus operandi of etsy admin for all sorts of situations. they like to SEND them to people who call ADMIN out for being unprofessional and moronic in the forums... and apparently they like to receive them too.
i think i'll send the whole crew some hair shirts and flagellation kits for their birthdays. if anyone knows a good etsy shop for handmade hair shirts. please post here.

Ann said...

What hope is there for flagging when such a blatant violation of the terms of use is kept up even when admin's attention has been drawn to it and we know for a fact they've seen it. Can they take down a listing or do they contact the seller and hope they will remove it themselves?

Paw & Claw Designs said...

my third cousin died in a tragic hammock accident. :(

i find the video in poor taste.







;)

The Disgruntled One said...

I still can't get over the fact that all those Admin posted comments, talking about how hilarious the video was, and none of them caught the reseller.

And the snarky comment brepettis left for the Etsians who pointed out the fact that he'd included a resellers among his picks really sums the place up. Way to accept criticism with grace, guys.

not brepettis said...

he's an idiot. clueless, mannerless and a liability to etsy. i've just about given up on them all.

is maria paying attention? she probly doesn't care, cause she thinks that anyone who says anything critical about etsy is a basher.

omg said...

"I still can't get over the fact that all those Admin posted comments, talking about how hilarious the video was, and none of them caught the reseller"
--------------------------------

I wish I could say that surprised me too, but it really did not. There is so much that goes on on that site that they miss, that something mass produced being pimped by them no longer surprises me.

The Incredulous One said...

I'm sad that the police made the Etsy hipsters take down the colorful and groovy hammocks that they had strung all over that park.

Because I would have LOVED to run through there and tip them all out. Oops!

What an astounding example of poor craftsmanship, failure to plan ahead, and silliness. I hope they're paying Bre the big bucks.

After all, he's the one who came up with the "grumpy haters" label.

Ann said...

Do you think anyone even thought to run this by their legal eagle before putting it out there? I can't believe they wouldn't be advised not to do it, especially when they don't use the appropriate materials for safety. Makes you wonder about all the 'how tos' promised for the month.

Enlightened said...

I feel like my listing fees are paying for this crap. Time to expand to my own site.

The Disgruntled One said...

He shouldn't be allowed to post anything, anywhere.

Is he supposed to be a video guru or something? I don't get it.

Peldyn said...

I think I pissed my pants laughing at how idiotic that video was. And aren't there federal regulations on how hammocks are made due to strangulation and suffocation deaths that have occurred in handmade ones? I think that may affect if you are going to sell ones you made. Lotds of liability issues here, where the hell was Sarathelawyer?

bastet2329 said...

but he warns that hammocks are dangerous so doesn't that cover etsy's ass?

your mom said...

Tying hammocks to trees is not very 'earth friendly'.

At least the hammock was made with 'Earth Tones'.

just bitchy said...

Saying "at your own risk" does NOT limit liability in cases like this.

I honestly can't believe sarah the lawyer things they are covered by saying that.

And I can't believe Maria would think that either.

ShrugItOff said...

And the next installement "Learn to make an infant hammock!"

"Lull your infant to sleep in a hand-sewn hammock that you can make from an old pillowcase and puffy paint. Don't worry if you have no backyard, you can string it up in your shower between the shower-head and a velcro hook!"

Peldyn said...

*twitch*

Infant hammocks

*twitch*

just the idea makes me wanna start a lawsuit.

silver-gwyn said...

Why did he say "borrow one (a sewing maching) from your grandmother" if you don't have one? MY grandmother can't even sew. Is he assuming only old ladies have sewing machines? I know A LOT of people not in the typical grandmother-age range who DO have sewing machines. I'm sure he meant to be cute or something, but he should know better than to narrow the sewing field to a certain demographic on Etsy! Oh, and I don't even sew - but his silly little comment bothered me. I won't even go into the rest of the stupid shit about and surrounding this video.

Death Shroud - hilarious!

BoroBabe1020 said...

The comments on the Storque article are getting moderated now before being posted -- or is that how they always do it?

ebbandflo said...

storque comments are always moderated but you can usually guarantee a little 'airtime' before something that isn't in the spirit of a dodo is pulled by the eds.

.... and as with digital art, it looks like anyone with a sewing machine can be a seamstress on etsy

can't wait for the other how to's - i'm suggesting "how to make a wedge cushion for base of spine injuries" as the sequel

eclipse said...

I think they need to retitle this series
"How-Not-To"

How not to make a hammock.
How not to mend your jeans.
How not to do customer service.
How not to dress for a live videocast which will be shooting you from the neck to the waist, and you will be bent over an ironing board.
How not to ride a unicorn. (hint- don't try to ride the head)

How not to ...run a company?

anonanon said...

my third cousin died in a tragic hammock accident. :(

-------

OMG pawandclaw, I am SO sorry that happened to you!

Grace said...

He looks like a reject from "Queer Eye".

WTF kind of a stupid hipster doofus name is Bre, anyway? I'll bet his mother gave him a perfectly good name like Brian or Brett, but it just wasn't cool enough for him.

impetuous said...

"Why did he say "borrow one (a sewing maching) from your grandmother" if you don't have one? Is he assuming only old ladies have sewing machines?"
________

Of course.

eclipse said...

there is a second item in the Storque related items on this article, which is also breaking one of the Do's and Dont's.

made.of.FAIL.

newreader said...

The extreme irony of my 4th of July lunch was not lost on me.



I had ... cupcakes.


Two cupcakes.


With glittery red and blue sprinkles on the white fluffy frosting.


And that was all.




At least I wasn't lying in a death-shroud hammock strung between two street signs while eating them!

Four Tails Lampwork said...

BEsides all the flaws --- fabric type, materials, and the like -- his sewing quality is pathetic.

Dear heavens, THIS is what they want on ETSY? I should hang up my torch now. BEtter yet --- start working on my OWN site.

ebbandflo said...

does anyone know?
is it Bre as in rhymes with the french cheese or Bre that rhymes with eh or even Bre as in the noise that an ass makes?

(obessessive i know but i do like to be able to pronounce a name properly when i'm watching it fall out of a shroud)

Trollie said...

Ebb, I think it is "Brett" but without the Ts. Bre like in "bread" not Bre like in "Breed".


Homemade hammock=BAD

See 2:22 in that video to see why.

Why. Why??

Ok nevermind no one really knows that answer.

eclipse said...

I think it's pronounced Bree. During some chatt with matt or other virtual labs event, when they were using video and audio, I seem to recall some of the staff mentioning him and pronouncing it Bree. My brain is like a sieve these days though so I can't remember who said it.

ebbandflo said...

thanks trollie and eclipse

for some reason i had bree as in brie, the cheese in my head but i wasn't sure where i got it from and didn't want to further blight the unfortunate young man (hope his arse is feeling better now)

jodie nicholson said...

It may be crap as a hammock....but as a gag for DXO, perfect!

just bitchy said...

jodie nicholson said...

It may be crap as a hammock....but as a gag for DXO, perfect!

=======================

OMG!!!!!

Can we nominate for quotes of the week?

I nominate THIS!!!!!

rotflmfao

TheSneakyOne said...

Jodie, even I don't think its enough to fully gag her. She needs a couple of these jammed in there for best results.

eclipse said...

Ok people you just gave me an idea for ball gags that look like cupcakes.
What could I make them out of that would be teeth- and drool-proof?
vinyl? cast latex?

The Kinky One said...

Just Bitchy,

Consider it on file for next weekend's EB comment post.


Eclipse,

How about rubber?

j. hart photography said...

i really really really hope they make more videos like this. it's just oh so entertaining.

just bitchy said...

This comment in the storque article is priceless....

=========================
annakt says:

i can only imagine that this how-to video is really a 'how-not-to' video (and associated related items kerfuffles). right? i mean, a real how-to video would be vetted. and would be...instructional and accurate and stuff. right? so this is a joke. it has to be. ...right?

7/4/08 at 11:17p.m.
===============================

Still there. Wonder when they will delete it. It seems to be from a buyer.

theoriginalwtf said...

HMPH, I usually post as wtf but the posts (and sentiments) above are totally not mine. I guess I'll have to get an actual blogger account.

And uh, yea, nothing the no-talent-ass-clowns that run etsy do surprises me any more. Though with 27 mil in equity, they better be careful about gettin' sued. It's always when the pockets get deep that the litigious types show up.

just bitchy said...

The other issue is that Mr. Grumpy Haters could claim workman's comp for getting hurt on the job.

They really need to get proper legal counsel because as of now they are playing fast and loose in the common sense department.

Morrigan said...

Apparently, Mr. Bre likes my suggestion in the comments at the Storque post.

I wonder if he "got" the sarcasm?

Swoon said...

Thanks so much for the animated gif. I've forwarded it to some friends who though they were never very keen to publicise Etsy for me, seem delighted to pass on this little gem. The way it's going, 'Petting' will soon be the new 'Rickrolling'! :-)

sillywabbit said...

I love how they slowed down the part where he busts his butt.

Angry Housewife said...

dude also has info with illustrations on how to make the death shroud/hammock on his blog (http://www.imakethings.com/2008/07/03/make-the-urban-hammock/), which includes the helpful safety tidbit: "... In retrospect, ... and also had my hammock closer to the ground so I wouldn’t have fallen so far!"
In retrospect, wouldn't you just make sure that you did not fall in the first place?

thatswhatshesaid said...

i wonder how many times brepettis has used the phrase "wrap it around your pole a lot of times" in conversation

OMGShockAndAwe said...

He sure seemed to know a lot about daisy-chains *smirk* LOL

the insightful one (in no way affiliated with etsy bitch) said...

I bet I know what all these How-tos are REALLY about. Etsy wants a tv show. I guaran-damn-tee it.

I bet you within the year they'll try to push to get a tv show.

Inklings and Imprints said...

late to this game. wow.

I'm waiting for the winter-themed video on how to make ice skates using vintage steak knives and hand-knit slipper socks.