Wednesday, July 16, 2008

From The Auxiliary Guild: EtsyHos!

Etsybitches, you won't believe it. As I was walking through Brooklyn today, I spotted two hipsters talking about hammock injuries and glitter. Suspecting that they were indeed etsy staffers, I tried my hand at some Emma Peel spy action. Sure enough, when one of their bags fell apart (the duct tape and staples didn't hold), a paper fell to the ground. You can't believe how excited I was when I picked it up and realized it was a rough outline of their new credits and referral program! Answers at last! Behold:

Welcome to EtsyHos, etsy's exciting new referral and rewards program! Become an EtsyHo and earn credits for rewards by sending emails to all of your friends, placing Etsy flyers* under windshield wipers or wearing an adorable Etsy sandwich board** on a busy street corner!

EtsyHo Points will accumulate and generate rewards by following a Fibonacci sequence.***

Here are just a few of the great rewards EtsyHos can earn!

  1. Come to EtsyLabs and clean the Swimmy-poo out of the Swimmy-tank!

  2. A six month extension on all of your listings! (You won't believe how deep you'll be buried!)

  3. Spin the Etsy Idea Wheel to pick our next new feature!

  4. For one day, your items won't show up in the default search. Nope, not at all! (If you are a vintage or supply seller, your listings will be entirely hidden for the day.)

  5. Be an etsy darling for a day: get front page exposure and have your shop mentioned by fawning admin!****

  6. Revolving Dork will clear your cache, if you know what we mean.

  7. Star in our latest How-To video! We'll be printing up all the user suggestions in our virtual Idea Box, shredding them and using them to make octopus piƱatas!

  8. Fake mustaches!

  9. We'll put listings from other sellers in your shop so everyone knows how much you support the community

  10. Two words: Cup. Cake.

* Users must Gocco their own flyers. Gocco equipment, ink and paper not supplied by etsy.
** See the latest Storque article for a great how-to on making sandwich boards (you'll need suspenders, garbage bags and plaster).
*** Sounds smart, doesn't it? Our staff amanuensis thinks he knows what it means.
**** Please note: this reward is only open to current Etsy Darlings.

I think we need to write up another rewards program for EtsyDarlings! Hilarious!


. said...


The Funny One said...

EB does it again!

That Swimmy-poo always seems to sink to the bottom, doesn't it? Sound familiar?

Simone said...

*pees pants*

The Kinky One said...


forum rubbernecker said...


OMG! thanks for the morning giggle, I am glad I didn't have a mouthful of coffee!

The Righteous One said...

I think I fell off my chair!

Elizabeth said...

hah! :D

ShrugItOff said...

"Revolving Dork will clear your cache, if you know what we mean."

This kind of excites me.

Is that wrong? :P

potpie said...

Man, that snark made me put together some pieces in my own brain.
I was wondering why adults would pay to learn 2nd grade girl scout camp activities at the Cupcake craft night. Duh, etsy's all thinly veiled innuendo for a prostitution ring.
The treehouse must be some sort of dungeon, we can all guess what one tailed little "swimmies" go around, the hammock debacle was an attempt to create a cutrate polynesian f**k swing. I need to decode things like "cupcake", the actual abbreviation for TOS, etc.
It really does explain why the mods always cut and paste their answers and never get anything done, they're always, er, too busy.
Mostly tho, it explains why I pay money to them and walk away feeling violated.

wristeroni said...

I'm sure we can find some good Emma Peel-ware in "Vintage" . . . that is, after we wade through all the junk that isn't supposed to be there (sigh)

BitchesBitch said...

ROFLMAO!! I haven't laughed so hard in such a long time. I seriously almost choked on my soda I was laughing so hard.

That was awesome, especially #6!
Ah hell, actually, the whole damn thing was pretty awesome, and it humorously sums up the whole etsy experience at the same time!
Way to go!!

Grace said...

ShrugItOff said...

"Revolving Dork will clear your cache, if you know what we mean."

This kind of excites me.

Is that wrong? :P

You know, today I learned how to express my dogs anal glands. Why am I reminded of this now? Eeeeeew!

the fluffy one said...

very funny!!