Saturday, May 24, 2008

Top Ten Forum Subjects To Give Someone on Etsy an Aneurysm

If you’re bored and feel like watching a trainwreck, nothing beats the following ten topics to get someone’s panties in a bunch. In no particular order…

1. Breast-feeding in public. Either you’re a woman-hating squelcher of baby rights, or a mannerless trollop who wouldn’t know discretion if it bit you in the left nipple. It’s Team No-Boob versus Team All-Boob, pick a side.

2. Walmart. This world-dominating soulless corporate mega-giant is the antithesis of everything Etsy is supposed to embody, but when you regurgitate your dinner after reading the forums you’re gonna need that $2.99 12-Roll Paper Towel Valu-Pak.

3. Homeschooling. Sure, sending your kids to public school these days means potentially exposing them to drugs, violence, sex education, and friends, but not sending them risks social awkwardness, the inability to express Pi as a fraction, and disturbing maternal attachments. Really, it’s a lose-lose situation.

4. Bush. International sellers and other folks who want the terrorists to win weep into their bubble mailers as staunch American patriots defend their leader’s inability to pronounce the word “nuclear”. All it proves is that anyone can be prezadunt.

5. Abortion. What do you get when you mix coathanger-armed murderers with pamphlet-waving misogynistic fundies? A delicious casserole of hysterical accusations and scientific dismissals liberally sprinkled with biblical quotes and medical definitions. Mmm, tasty!

6. Spanking. It’s the “I was spanked and I turned out fine” versus the “I wasn’t spanked and I turned out fine” crowds. Actually, none of you are fine. Get help.

7. Cheap crap from Asia. For America to buy it, it must be cheap. If it’s cheap, it must be made in China. If it’s made in China, it must be crap. If it’s crap, America will buy it. It’s the circle of life, kids, and it moves us all.

8. Veganism. The game is one-upmanship, and you get five points for eschewing meat, ten points for wearing only pleather and polyester, fifteen points for liberating the chocolate-covered ants at the local novelty store, and ten thousand points for subsisting solely on Etsy melodrama.

9. Atheism. If Richard Dawkins and Jesus duked it out, who would win? Whoever can act most outraged that either their non-belief is believed to be a belief or that their belief is unbelieved by non-believers. Either way, Nazis get mentioned and Godwin’s Law is invoked.

10. Etsy itself. If you don’t love it, leave it. Only ingrates and thankless clods would demand a functioning, bug-less website with respectful, helpful admins for twenty cents and your everlasting soul. Whatever you do, just don’t end up bitching about it on some anonymous blog somewhere with other "grumpy haters".

9 Comments:

The Sparkly One said...

"and ten thousand points for subsisting solely on Etsy melodrama."

...which are of course exchangeable for a lovely set of matched luggage, if you win the double-plus lightning bonus round.

silver-gwyn said...

Hillariously brilliant post.

I fucking love you.

TheSneakyOne said...

Well, I appreciate the fucking love. :D Anyone else appreciate the fucking love? Its above any other type of love, IMO.. Mmmm.. Fucking love.

The Disgruntled One said...

Brilliant, Malevolent One, just brilliant.

The Cranky One said...

"and ten thousand points for subsisting solely on Etsy melodrama."

{{food exiting nose}}

The Kinky One said...

How about: "I'm closing my shop" posts?

I always want to invite those folks not to let the door hit them on the way out.

Donna said...

Parenting in general threads make me back away as well. It is a constant source of frustration for me that apparently no one on Etsy parents exactly in the manner I do.

The Angsty One said...

*Applause*

~B.Z. said...

" ten thousand points for subsisting solely on Etsy melodrama."

*Laughing hysterically*

" Whatever you do, just don’t end up bitching about it on some anonymous blog somewhere with other "grumpy haters". "

O.K., I won't bitch anonymously, I'll just APPLAUD openly :D