Friday, May 30, 2008

Hello there, Goldman Sachs

Welcome, Goldman Sachs.

We’ve noticed your interest in our blog. How flattering! Perhaps you are considering investing in EtsyBitch? A very wise choice. But there’s no need to be shy, or hide in there amongst all the other visiting IPs. Five visits – looks like you’re quite tempted. Perhaps we can sketch out a quick pitch to convince you?

First, our mission statement. It’s handily outlined right over there at the top of the right column and summarized neatly in our header. Bitching for change! It’s smart and snappy, and we know you approve of good branding. Now, let us entice you with our target market – Mr. Kalin last quoted them at approaching one million. That’s right, one million registered Etsy users who are a mere button click away from being muted, banned, having their shops or buying accounts closed down, or suffering a myriad of other Etsy-specific asshattery that would drive them to become a devoted EtsyBitch subscriber. Doesn’t it make you start itching to reach for your checkbook?

But let’s delve a little further into what EtsyBitch can offer those one million potential subscribers. We’re the solution to a problem. What problem, you ask? Oh sirs, do not tempt me to waste away the hours typing up such an endless list! I suggest you sample the Etsy forums to obtain a clear idea of what we’re up against (paying particular attention to the Ideas and Bugs forums – and pay no mind to that fellow in Bugs who always claims there are no bugs, we all know he’s a silly thing).

So what’s our solution? Why, bitching for change, of course! See how nicely that’s expressed in our mission statement? The old adage is true – the squeaky wheel gets the grease. It’s certainly worked before! Sellers wanted sold prices hidden, they bitched for hundreds of posts, and sold prices were hidden. Sellers wanted USD on the item prices, they started a dozen threads, now USD appears on item prices. Granted, we’re still working on some pretty tough issues – like smacking the Etsy hand that reaches for an IHPS – but you can see the precedent is there.

We’re sure you must be taking out your solid gold pens to sign your name to a nicely chunky sum by now, but just in case, let us point out that WE are the only fully public EtsyBitch blog out there, with a fully capable, fully bitchy staff of ten ready to fully expose all of Etsy’s foibles and fuckups. We have no competition! What’s that? Unofficial Etsy News, you say? Well, we admire the fellows over at UEN, but they’re rather serious types with all of their news and professionalism. There’s a big snarky hole in the Etsy-watchdog market and we’re here to fill it.

Now, lest you be concerned we’re a little too hard-edge, allow us to assure you that we have a soft, fuzzy, cookie-giving side when Etsy is well-behaved to its customers. We’ll happily give it a pat on the head and tell it to run along and play when it works properly and is polite. We here at EtsyBitch believe in positive reinforcement, where it’s due.

So, Goldman Sachs, let us know what you think. Our mailbox is open and easily accessible right over there to the side. We’re looking forward to hearing from you.

Love, The Bitches

3 Comments:

The Righteous One said...

I like cookies...luckily we never have to share too many with Etsy.

impetuous said...

a search for Etsy on the Goldman Sachs site reveals these eye opening results.

Search Tips:
> By default, the search engine will return only pages that include all of your search terms.

The Disgruntled One said...

Nicely done!